2009 - One Last Word..

How do you evaluate how well you fared the last year, one that has only a few hours left before fading into the past? Do you look at where you stand today, and see how the scales are tipped? Or do you take a weighted average of all the ups and downs, all the twists and turns that brought you to this point and then decide? You can argue both ways... for each his own. After all, good and bad are different shadows of the same reality created by perception and purpose.

Past is often a mixture of triumphs and failures, content and dissatisfaction, regrets and fond memories. The sad thing is that, it is the disappointments and dejection that get more weightage once you look back at life. Probably we are wired to retain more vivid memories of pain than pleasure. When you talk about past, there are two ways of describing it. One is to pretend that it never happened really, and talk about it like fiction. It will help not to put too much 'you' into the story. But then it might also take away with you, the true emotions associated with the events. The second way is to accept the past with all its triumphs and disappointments and talk about it as genuinely as you felt about it then. You can expect some booing and tomatoes from the crowd as you glow in the stupidity and silliness of your actions and judgments. If you can make a lot of people happy by proclaiming yourself 'idiot of the year', then that is what you should do; a small sacrifice for the 'greater common good'.

How would I like to remember 2009, as the year that ushered in 2010? That's it?

This year I had the misfortune of dealing with my worst fears. To love someone is a fortune, but to live with someone is quite another. Softened by the forced reflection brought about by loss, I now think a life was saved from a crazy future and a crazier me. The only trouble is, when you retract a step you had taken forward, you never get back to your original position. You are left to linger on in some kind of limbo, and it sucks. As a society we do not have a ritual that acknowledges the loss of a person unless he or she is dead. We can handle physical pain or death but when it comes to emotional pain, we find it difficult to cope with. In the words of Floyd, 'the flames are all gone, but the pain lingers on'. Somebody suggested the other day that I go see a shrink.. I'd rather paint my hair pink!

I am a prisoner of my dreams and will always be. I learned my biggest lesson about dreams the hard way. The most important thing about dreams is to hang on to them patiently, long enough for them to materialize. We all tend to search for alternatives if dreams don't come true immediately. Every dream has a gestation period of its own, and if you care to keep it alive that long, it will sure manifest in all its glory. I know patience doesn't come cheap, but without it you are gonna stumble one day or other. Dreams will give you everything, and it will take from you everything. It will cost you your life and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.

Often grief is the greatest aphrodisiac.. the creator of new life and new realities. With the odds of all that shit happening in the last one year, statistically next year should turn around. Happy 2010!