Conversations with Pluto - Felis Do'mystica'

'What is that fluffy thing outside your door?', Pluto almost barked at me while trying hard to control his breath. Pluto is my neighbor's cat who spends most of his time at my place. He was visibly disturbed.

'It is no 'fluffy thing', it is a dog'

'Oh.. thank you for the info. Who put it there?'

'Nobody put it there. It just came the other day and put itself out there'. The poor dog had walked in to escape the rain and then found my doormat quite comfortable to leave.

'Then, you should throw it out. It is creating issues in my safe transit between places'.
'Let the poor thing be there. She won't bite you', I said.
'Oh my goodness. You never told me its a 'she', Pluto's eyes lit up like a bulb.
'So what?, what difference it is going to make?'

'You have no idea. Soon this place will be full of puppies'
Come on! You are being too paranoid'
'Why do you think they are called Canis 'Family'aris?

Without giving me a moment to understand the pun, he continued 'And puppies, they stink!'
'No, they don't'
'At least their poop does'
'Whatever'

'We should perhaps call her Boo'
'That is so mean'
'Not the Boo in Hindi; Boo as in 'Me and you and the dog named Boo..'
'Wow! Never knew you are a Lobo fan'

'You don't know anything about me dude. Cats are always mysterious. That is why we are called Felis Do'mystica', he said with a wink.

Amen!

PS: Our conversations on Free will and Predicting Future and the Paunch.

Conversations with Pluto - The Paunch

"Ever noticed that all the so called happy characters have huge paunches, while our idea of health and well-being is still about six packs and flat stomachs?", asked Pluto as we were enjoying a much deserved siesta after a sumptuous lunch that Sunday afternoon. Pluto is my neighbor's cat who spends most of his time at my place.

I did not give much attention to his rant as the wine in the 'Fish Wine-daloo' we prepared had just kicked in. I thought some chick would have passed a comment on his prosperous belly for which he is cooking up some excuse now. Moreover I generally stay away from any discussion where I am on the losing side. But he was in no mood to let go the argument.

'Take the case of Santa Claus, Laughing Buddha, lord Ganesha, Garfield or Obelix', said Pluto.

'What about them', I asked.

'There was a time when paunch was considered a sign of prosperity and happiness, and not a symptom of gastronomic problems or addiction to beer. That was when Websters had a single entry on stomach, and the definition was devoid of internationally accepted, UN approved measurements for the same'

Without waiting for my reaction he continued.. 'Like the Model T, they used to come in just one size and type- the 'stomach'. Outlandish terms like Pot belly, Beer belly, Apple belly, Pear belly, Pork belly and Muffin top were not part of the language then'

'Ahem! So, what is the point', I asked again.

Now that he got my attention, he stood up and slowly unraveled his theory. 'Eating to heart's content was not a crime those days and its consequence was thus considered benign. The only rules applicable to consumption of food were - Eat when you can, Eat all you can. Convenience, availability & ability to digest were the only considerations. What to eat, when to eat and how much to eat were all rules brought in later by authors of religious texts like Bible, whose idea of a full meal was dividing five breads and two fishes between 5000 people.'

'Thus came the idea of over-eating and ugly-paunch', he concluded.

'So you mean to say that all this hoopla about abdominal obesity is just lunacy?' I wasn't ready to take his argument lying down. I got up and leaned my body against the wall.

'Precisely', said Pluto. 'If nature wanted us to have flat stomachs it would have created us that way. After inhaling all this nourishing air day and night, all this while, if our nose can stay pretty much in shape, then it definitely isn't a mistake that the stomach is growing in size'

'Wonderful. So if I translate your rant into plain English, the claim that central obesity is associated with a higher risk of heart disease is just eye wash...eh?'

'You got it! I don't remember reading about Obelix or Santa Claus dying of heart failure. Do you? Is it that they did not have hearts after all?' He chuckled.

'Aha! Then there are no side effects of having a pork belly. Is that what you suggest?'

'No.. no.. Of course there are side effects. There is reason to believe that a prominent paunch can hamper normal sex life', He said with a wink.

'Now how do you arrive at that? Because Obelix & Santa Claus doesn't feature in Masters & Johnson?'

'Oohoho.. it is much simpler dude. Tell me the name of Santa Claus' daughter.. or Obelix's son?'

'They didn't have kids', I said.

'Now, that's the point!', I could see his stomach making waves as Pluto laughed away to glory.


PS: Our conversations on Free will and Predicting Future.

Conversations with Pluto - Predicting future

I lost a thousand Rupees and two fish during the world cup football; courtesy betting. The money, I lost to the boy from the neighborhood shop for betting on Brazil to lift the cup this time. I always rooted for Brazil when it comes to Football, irrespective of the odds, and this bet was more an emotional act. The fish I lost to Pluto, my neighbor's cat the day Brazil lost to Netherlands. This bet was but based on a rational analysis, considering the performance of the two teams till then. You can argue it was a stupid decision, how the hell did I expect a cat getting me two fishes in case he lost? But the fact is he didn't. Just like Serbia's win over Germany, he accurately predicted Brazil's loss in that unfortunate quarter final match.

So Paul and Mani are not the only soothsayers in town. Pluto the cat had also predicted all the results quite accurately. He refused to bet against me when I said in-form Argentina will not reach the semi-finals. I was skeptical about breaking this news till now, worried about the ridicule. Talking about a cat's uncanny ability to foresee future is one thing, while a talking cat is quite another! But when Paul became an instant internet celebrity, I thought I should tell the world about Pluto as well. So I sat down to write the story. But as if anticipating this, Pluto came into the room and jumped on to the table.

'So you want to know how I did it', he asked me.

I never expected him to share his secret with me. So with much excitement I said 'Of course!'

'I didn't do it', he said without blinking an eye.

I was angry that he spoiled my story about the great soothsayer in my own house. 'what do you mean', I asked.

'The roaches did it', he said.

'what roaches?'

'Ok, let me ask you this.. where do you keep the old newspapers?', he quizzed me as if I don't know my own backyard.

'On the platform by the sink in the kitchen', I replied.

'Under the exhaust pipe, correct?' he added.

'yes, so what?', I didn't understand the plot.

He put on that all-knowing smile and said 'you know who lives up the exhaust pipe?'

'Yes I do, the filthy cockroaches'.

'And have you seen them shit? defaecate, I mean', he winked at me.

'Come on man, whats the point? Why will I see the roaches defaecate?', I was losing patience.

'That is your problem.. you never see the things that are right in front of you and search for answers in the far far world. The roaches don't defaecate just anywhere.. there is a method in the way they do it'

I felt like punching him on the face for the lecture. 'So if you draw a straight line through the shit particles, you get an Octahedron with the diagonal and side lengths in Golden ratio? Are you suggesting something like this?'

'Looks like you read too much into Davinci Code. The issue here is much simple. The roaches been consistently shitting on the losing team's picture, name or flag on the newspaper. I simply noticed this and you didn't', Pluto said triumphantly, licking the last morsels of fish off his paws.

'You must be kidding. How can those dumb roaches predict the future? You are making this all up', I could not agree to what he said.

'Ever heard of wisdom of the crowds, you dumbo?' he asked amusingly.

'No, I have heard of madness of the crowds'

'There you go again. Wisdom of the crowds is a postulate which says that the intelligence of the crowd will always be greater than that of the most intelligent guy in the group, or at times even greater than the sum of the parts', he explained with an air of authority.

'Who says so?', I wasn't ready to accept defeat lying down.

'Heard of the Iowa Electronic Markets, IEM, which has been consistently predicting the election results more accurate than the Gallop poll, for the last 20 years?'

I had no choice but to accept my ignorance.

'Well, this is a project of the College of Business in the University of Iowa, where a few thousand people are collectively allowed to predict the outcomes of elections, indirectly based on future contracts they buy/sell in the exchange. They have been doing this better than all the national polls for so many years now'. Pluto never wastes a chance to show off.

'OK', I said, not knowing what else to say.

'So your roaches have a better probability of getting the predictions right compared to Mani or Paul, as they use collective intelligence', he concluded.

'mmmm.. take it that I buy your bull, but how do these animals know the future?', I asked.

He stared at me for a moment and said 'as they say in the movies, you are given information on a need to know basis and you don't need to know that'.

'Oh', said I, rushing to the kitchen to see who the roaches are shitting on lately. Who knows, I might make a fortune with these roaches in the future!

Conversations with Pluto - Free Will

Pluto is my neighbor's cat. Though he categorically belongs to my neighbor, he spends most of his time at my place, like many of us spend the entire day at office. He sleeps on an extra mattress in the room, topples the dustbin and eat all that's inside and torture the unfortunate cockroaches who come out for a walk in the sun. Generally he keeps quiet as he goes on with the above mentioned acts, but there are times when he decide to have a conversation. I get worried whenever he puts on that serious face, scratch his head, jump on to the table and take seat atop the pile of books. This is his favorite attacking position, having gained the 'higher-ground' advantage over me slouching on the bean bag.

So after watching 'Bedazzled' for the Nth time, when he quickly jumped on the table I knew he is on to something. I had noticed him scratching his ears vigorously during that scene where Lucifer plays dice with God on the sidewalk. So I picked up a cup of coffee and sat down, ready to face the assault. Finally after a long wait the Oracle spoke..

"How did you, me and the circus came about?", Pluto asked. 'Circus' is how he generally refers to the 'rest of the world', where according to him, his master is one of the Head-Clowns.

I gasped at the profoundness of the question and answered, "Many say that a God created all this out of love. Some say it happened when electric charge acted upon a primordial soup of atoms. There are a few who think aliens did it. And then there are the real intellectuals who say all this is a simulation"

Giving me one of those you-are-hopeless looks he said, "Ok, for the time being let us assume that God did it. Can we?"

"But how can you base a discussion on an assumption? We shouldn't have ambiguity in rational dialogs", I tried to act intelligent and interested.

"If you use the assumption only as a premise and later prove it a fact by virtue of the outcome, for which the assumption was not directly utilized, then there is no problem", he said effortlessly like a primary school kid reciting Jack & Jill, as I desperately tried to wrap my head around the statement.

Sensing the confusion he soon added "Anyway, it doesn't matter in our case as we are not trying to prove anything", nudging me back on track.

As I nodded my head in the affirmative he continued, "So if indeed God created us, then why are our actions at times judged as evil? How can his creations be or do evil?"

"Heard of 'Free Will' moron?", I tried to be my assertive best.

"Ok Theophiles, what IS Free Will?", he retorted, with a twinkle in the eyes. I noticed it was the same delight with which he corners cockroaches in the room, before pouncing on them.

"HE did not want us to act like zombies or just enact a script, and hence gave us the free will to 'choose'. So while he fixed the start and end points for our journey, birth & death, he lets us decide the path we take from A to B. Our destiny is a function of the choices we make and destiny of the world is crowd-sourced from people like us, much like a web 2.0 content aggregator. And since we make our own decisions, we are judged on our actions", I concluded.

"Amen", said Pluto. "So HE shifted the responsibility of decision making to us, so that he can sit and judge us for everything we do. Is this what you are implying?"

"No, No.. he just wanted to give us more freedom to shape our lives the way we want. Its like writing the preface and introduction of a book and letting you write the rest of the chapters", I was beaming with pride on my excellent choice of example to make the point.

"mmmm.. impressive. So, let me ask you this. What would we have done if there was no free will?", he asked scratching his balls. (Cats can do it no matter where, and no one frets about it!)

"We would have followed HIS will I guess", I replied.

Without blinking an eye he asked again, "And do you think HIS will means no evil and only good?"

"Of course, that is why we do not call him Idi Amin"

"OK, so without free will we all would have done just good and the introduction of the so called free will now lets us do bad things as well? All that HE really gave us through free will is the knowledge of evil and the temptation to falter? What kind of a 'free' will is that mate?"

"Without both good and evil, how can you implement free will?" I tried to reason with Pluto.

"Choice need not always be about right and wrong, it can as well happen between multiple good options; like you choose the color of some shirt you buy. HE never thought of that possibility?" he asked as the wicked smile returned to his face.

I was quiet.

"Checkmate", said Pluto, as he jumped off the table after another roach.