Ideas for the 'Activity-Challenged'

I was never the hard working kind. Given a chance, I don't want to work. But bestowed with the responsibility of maintaining a six foot, eighty kilo colony of energy-greedy animal cells, I do work for food. I try my level best to restrict work to the five days between my travels, and also rely on a variety of other therapies to stay afloat. Music is my religion. Travel is what keeps me moderately sane. Photography helps me pamper my already bloated ego as I go around clicking ugly pictures of beautiful places.

Does that qualify me to be called 'Lazy' and 'Stupid'? In the name of the omnipresent holy Octopus, YES! (Though I prefer the term 'Activity-Challenged). I can afford extensive spells of laziness and inactivity without complaints of any sort. In fact I feel at peace with myself during this time. I dream for exercise and have almost got a six pack.. three on either sides of the body. It was in this premise that I started thinking about ways to make money without doing anything. Life is too precious to be wasted working. So I started discussing the idea with my cousin, and you won't believe the kind of shit two lazy minds can cook up together. We already have enough ideas to write a book on 'How to make money without getting off your ass'. As soon as we figure out ways to overcome a few minor glitches, you will see all of them in action. And as there are so many of these ideas floating around, I thought of documenting a few here. As nobody reads the stuff I write, no need to worry about idea piracy.

The most promising of the ideas took shape when we read an article on Global warming, which said animal exhaust gases like Methane, are bigger culprits in rising temperatures than the poor Chloro Fluro Carbons. If there is some truth in this, we humans should also be contributing generously through our burps and farts. As responsible animals with over sized consciousness we thought it would be a good idea to sensitivise people on this crime we are unconsciously committing. So our idea is to set up pollution control centers for humans. These centers will analyze human exhausts for its Methane content and suggest diet plans to reduce harmful emissions. We can even expand the business to sell diet-packs for custom emissions.. imagine the scented fart to impress your partner when you are on a date, or the stink bomb to flush out unwanted visitors! High end packages for special occasions will also be available - the petal shower fart which can create instant floral decorations or seed dispersal farts for afforestation and so on. The only problem is how to induce instant farts or burps for analysis.. you sure can't wait for customers to come up with them in their own sweet time. Once we are ready with a solution for this we should be rolling!

Some guys in Germany recently tried using flies for advertisements. They attached light weight banners to these flies and let them loose inside shopping malls and other crowded areas. The weight of the banners ensured that they flew around at viewable heights and settled down frequently on whatever landing spaces available, garnering even more attention. We thought it would be a great idea to replicate this in India. Depending on the target audience, we can use a multitude of carriers like cockroaches, mosquitoes and rats apart from flies, as they are pretty common out here. By using these so called 'pests' for useful purposes, we might even be contributing towards upliftment of their living conditions and social status. This can very well be the next big step in human history since the domestication of sheep. We are but yet to figure out how to deal with Maneka Gandhi and her PETA friends.

We might even start a school to teach people the fine art of idea generation. Its is by far the laziest money making tool discovered by man, of course after religion. Once people come up with brilliant ideas like ours, they can attach a revenue model and sell it off for millions. If Prophet Yahweh can start a 'Yahweh School of UFO Summoning', why can't we start an 'All Saints School of Idea Generation'? (More about the Prophet later; with his level of stupidity, he deserves at least one full post for himself)

Once we implement these ideas successfully, the greater vision is quite humble like anybody else's. Write a book, make a reality show, sell the story to M Night Shyamalan and spend rest of the life in a lakeside villa, eating pork!


Anonymous said...

Brilliant ideas! Creativity should be our driving force rather than competitiveness. You are absolutely right in that life is too precious to be wasted working. Seeking out sensual pleasure (music, travel, art, beauty, good food, etc...) is far more fulfilling than sitting at a desk day in and day out.

There is nothing stupid about wanting to live your life the way you want to. I say go for it whenever possible. I feel that it's better to make a fool of oneself than to live with regret. I speak from experience ;)

PS...I keep forgetting to mention that I enjoy your illustrations :)

attiDuDe said...

I have been living it almost the way I wanted to... planning to do so in future as well.. stupid or not stupid :)

Thanks for calling them 'illustrations' :D

Anonymous said...

Good for you! And, your welcome. Your illustrations emphasize your posts quite nicely.

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