What to do in life?

What is it that I want to do in life? A perplexing but inevitable question that crops up every now and then in mind. This happens especially when one set of plans which looked good so far, crumbles down for one reason or other. The resulting vacuum is disturbing and unsettling. Its always better to have some kind of plans, however stupid they are. I myself don't know how many times I have scrapped and redrawn the plans.

When I was a kid, this question used to be asked a little differently..'Who do you want to be, when you grow up?'. It was one of the simplest questions to answer then - a bus driver or a policeman. Those were two of the role models at that time.. the only two profiles that seemed to command respect from others. An additional option came a little later with the so called 'spiritual awakening' - a priest. He was also a well respected guy who was welcome everywhere.. till I found out that the closest he ever gets to women is in the confession box. Now that was unacceptable... even at that point in life. The white rob also was pretty repulsive.. lacked the charm of a police uniform.

Then came television which showed me 'rest of the world'. Those 20 inches started framing the world and events for me, and all I ever wanted to become was a rock star. The fact that I could play a few tunes on Dad's harmonica was proof that I could make it. But seeing my attempt to grow long hair, the headmistress told me that I am in a 'school' and not in some 'circus'. Later when 'career aspirations' took over, every ambition got converted into some kind of money making ventures. If you like insects and bugs, you should become a biologist... if you like staring at the night sky, you should become an Astrophysicist and so on.

Life moved on and I somehow managed to avoid becoming an Engineer or Doctor, the standard prescriptions for sensible kids those days. That brought back the question once again.. 'now what?'. I decided to do nothing for a while, as I was not really sure what to do in life. But sitting idle is taboo and is always considered as a sign of weakness, stupidity and lack of ambitions. People can't breathe alright till they find you enslaved to some kind of a system and control. Anyway, I was too lazy to explain and managed to do exactly the same under the guise of 'MBA Exam preparations'.

Life suddenly seemed to regain some purpose and direction once I enrolled in the B-School. Though the concepts of Management were interesting and exciting, all I used to do was apply once a quarter to the "National Geographic', for the post of 'somebody' in their expeditions into the wild. When I realized that even the light boy who accompanied the camera crew had a double PhD in Animal Behavior, I called it quits. Eventually as time passed, I developed into this 'something', part of a system, working, earning and it all looked good. I even managed to convince a girl that I am actually human and not some uncultured uncouth animal!!

Then like in the movies, I also heard this voice from nowhere.. 'Are you happy?'. I said 'of course!'. The voice continued 'Are you happy when everyone else has gone home?'. That kind of caught me. By this time I had also read 'The Transition Handbook'(Rob Hopkins), 'The One Straw Revolution'(Fukuoka), 'The Selfish Gene'(Richard Dawkins) and 'Breaking the Spell'(Dan Dennett)... a pretty unsettling cocktail I say. I sat down thinking about what the voice said, and the question once again came back to haunt - What do I want to do in life! After a lot of deliberations, I came up with an answer of sorts.. and this is how it looks now: "I want to lead a self sustained life, closer to nature, with the least possible impact on the environment, giving back more to the society than I consume, raising a few kids who view the world without blinkers"

Recently, I had some compelling reasons to re-evaluate the goal, but I am kind of sticking with it. But doesn't it look stupid?... I rather not comment on that. A rolling stone gathers no moss and a closed mouth gathers no foot..!!

Search for Ursula Dyers

It was about fulfilling a promise. It was about having belief in people and the basic goodness of everyone. It was also about optimism, that defies logic most of the times. That is why I went to Cooks Town last Sunday, trying to locate Ursula Dyers.

In a previous post I had briefly mentioned about Ivan, the person we met at Connaught place, Delhi. He looked like any other beggar, with dirty clothes, a bandaged arm and eyes that looked like two deep pits, with the eyeballs planted deep inside the socket. Only when he started talking in English that we realized there is something different about this guy. So we asked him his story and he gave us one - a guy from Bangalore stuck in Delhi fighting some court case, too egoistic to inform his well settled kids about his plight, walking the streets, begging passerbys for food. Prolonged starvation and alcohol (not sure about that though) had some serious impact on his mental state. After much prodding and philosophy sessions, he gave us contact details of his sister living in Bangalore. We promised that we will try to get in touch with her and inform about his situation.

Ursula Dyers living in House # B9, Hutchins Road, Cooks Town, Bangalore. This was all the information we had about Ivan's sister. He had also mentioned an ITC factory in the vicinity. I thought that's enough data to locate a person in the city, and decided to give it a shot. So I reached Hutchins road by afternoon, only to find out that there are 10 different crosses along the road, each having about 10 houses on either sides. To add to the misery there were no house numbers starting with letters. I decided to ask people around, but most of them were suspicious about me and my intentions. That's not surprising as I didn't know the cross number, I didn't have a phone number to call the person I am searching for and worst of all I didn't even know the person I am looking for!! Later I found out that the place is famous for drugs and they might have thought that I was trying to buy or deliver "Stuff'.

Ivan's landmarks were right though.. there was an ITC factory nearby and the place had a considerable Anglo Indian population as well. I saw beautiful houses that belonged to the Decostas, the Mendezes, the Correas, the Demellos, the Perrieras... but no Dyers. I covered the crosses one by one and finally found out that the 10th cross has got three sections - A,B and C. I walked along the B section and located house number 9. For a moment I thought I made it, and knocked at the door. A middle aged lady opened the door and I was sure that she is Ursula Dyers... but she wasn't. She didn't know any Dyers and said that they've been living in that house for more than 30 years now. I didn't know what else to do, I had looked at the name plates of about 100 houses on either side of Hutchins road.

Then I saw a priest walking along the road and thought what better person to ask about the sheep than the shepherd himself. So I inquired about Ursula Dyers. Though he was the parish priest, he didn't know any Ursula or Dyers. Looks like the shepherds are not that close to the flock these days. As I moved on, I saw another elderly gentleman sitting by the street and feeding a stray dog. He had tattoos all over his forearms and wore a trendy T-shirt and shorts.. must have been quite a punk in his younger years!! We struck up a conversation and he said that the Dyers family are from Cochin, but could not guide me on where to locate them. I didn't have other options but go back home. As I was walking out of the layout, I came across the convent of the 'Ursulian Sisters', but it was also closed.

I had a good time walking around Cooks Town, enjoying the nice old houses with beautiful gardens and the Victorian architecture. There was a small chapel where the choir was practicing for the evening service. I don't know whether Ivan gave us the wrong address or it was my inability to locate the house, but somehow it didn't matter.

Onam...

Onam is always very special for me. I never enjoy a festival more than I does Onam. There is so much of energy in everything associated with this festival and that has created so many beautiful moments in my life, which I would hang in the front room of my memory like a painting...for ever. There is so much of color in it.. a little bit of everything.. a little bit for everybody...!!

I do miss Onam this year. I am away from home, not doing anything special this day..except from probably wearing a kurta which was lying folded in the cupboard for looong. That is not how I wanted it.. but at times you get bogged down by responsibilities and forced to do things which you won't otherwise. That's life... that's what makes life so hard to follow and predict...!!

I miss all the running around in the morning to collect flowers.. I miss sitting down on the ground and arranging those flowers into great looking floral decorations.. I miss the company of all the kids in the neighbourhood.. I miss the energy in the air.. I miss the awesome lunch... I miss the games that we used to play... I miss the fun we all had together... I miss everything about it.

I will be home next year to experience all this.. get back to Onam mood again and enjoy those beautiful moments. Till then I have to be happy reading all the SMSes and mails, and saying "Happy Onam" over phone to people whom I don't even care! The only consolation is all those beautiful girls who are walking around in their special Onam attire. There is some simplicity about the white sari that has always captivated me... elegant and gorgeous!! Yep, something is always better than nothing... though nothing is at times better than nonsense!!