Saints n Sinners

The church premises was unusually crowded this evening. But then I remembered its Thursday, the special day the patron saint of the church listens to matchmaking requests from the sinners. So lads from across the town and neighboring asylums travel to the church with handful of candles and garlands. I am not sure whether the garlands signify a wreathe on personal freedom or the candles represent the willingness to melt away under the asks and hypocrisies of paired life. Anyway the point is not to show marriage under bad light, but to think loud on this Tuesdays-for-saint-Walnut, Wednesdays-for-saint-Coconut business.

First it was the division of labor "..as Mr. Walnut has been declared a saint today, he will take over from St. Coconut the growing-hair-on-bald-heads department. Henceforth all hairy requests..." That is understandable, how many prayers are godly possible for the Trinity and mother Mary to handle a day, especially in these days when the sinners are choosy on ala carte orders, like the Kardashian butt, Katie Price boobies, Natalie Portman smile all fitted into a 1945 Marilyn Monroe chassis? So it makes super sense to assign St. George to handle the reptiles and horses, considering his knowledge in horse riding and dragon slaying. But experience is not the sole criteria here I suppose, as we are talking more about curing headaches and not coaching the football team. Knowing that Dispirin is for headache while Aspirin is good for hangovers is good enough for most of the situations. And what matters most I think is the magical powers, which you anyway get like an honorary Doctorate by virtue of sainthood.

So, while delegation makes sense in a world of increased purchasing power, population and demanding customers, I am still not convinced about the special-day concept. Imagine this note on the heaven's notice board "St.Walnut is busy playing pool at the club, with St. Jobless and St. Anabelle on Mondays,Tuesdays and Thursdays. So he will not be available for consultations on Belching-and-Burping these days. Sinners are requested to try St. Jinglebell in case of Emergencies". After all, all work and no play will make Walnut a dull saint.

Unlike here on Earth, looks like Saturday is not holiday out there in heaven, there are quite a lot of saints available for consultation that day. This is perhaps part of the sinner-friendly policy of the heavens... letting us submit the requests en-masse on one of the holidays. Why else is Sunday the holiestest day of all? Followers of Satan might argue that it is to keep us away from the television sets, which broadcast blasphemous shows like Mythbusters and Attenborough on Evolution. We all know that The Simpsons (after the Vatican declared that they are a catholic family), any David Blaine show (he is now an official member of the 'Super Best Friends' after he defeated Jesus in that episode of Southpark) and concerts by 'Lamb of God' are the only sensible programs on TV these days.

Whatever be the truth in the above argument, I personally feel Sunday services are 'stimulating' and hence have definitely contributed to the increase in population. (No, I am not talking about folks who take seriously the Pastor's argument 'more children more stability' and do the needful). Someone once told that grief and remorse are the perfect aphrodisiacs. If that is true, after an hour of rituals and sermon, which in English translates to how big a sinner you are, and a whole day ahead with nothing substantial to do, you can imagine what couples might get creative at. Hallelujah!

We should try arranging Sunday masses to the African mammals whose population is fast dwindling (somebody from NatGeo or Animal Planet pokes their camera right in, every time a couple gets in the mood, so how the hell will the population increase!) Religion seems to me a great alternative in increasing their population and getting the 'Endangered Species' out of the Red Book. But the challenge would be in finding out a suitable story to make them feel bad about. Stealing apples .. you kidding?

Coming back to the point, most of us eagerly wait for the Friday to go to St. Bologna's church and request the death of our boss under a garbage truck, even at the risk of getting stampeded to death by the crowd. Like wilder-beast migration across the Serengity, everyone from far and around flocks around St. Bologna on Fridays with a death wish on their lips. I see the logic now... someone will definitely be dead on the spot at the end of the mad rush, or definitely later due to injuries sustained during the process... and some Dany Sinner's wish will thus be granted. It is in fact much simpler logic in case of the Dudes and the Dames who come looking for partners.. where else do you get all of them at one place to pick and choose from! The discos are a distant second option I say!

So who ever came up with this Designated-Days concept wasn't after all a fool..eh?