Suicide Helpline

I had the good fortune recently, to meet a dear friend who almost committed suicide. She tried her level best to execute this noble act, I quote, "of leaving behind this senseless world that does not let us love or live the way we want". But as the story goes, a bunch of strange coincidences blocked her path to glory and peace. So after a long chat with her on what failed her, I decided to put in place a list of do's and don't s, for those who are seriously contemplating suicide... something like a quick reference. Mostly I will be talking about the Don'ts here... as the Do's obviously have to be speculations!

I know it is cruel and insensitive of me to make fun of those who fall prey to this desire. But I personally feel that those who look at suicide as an easy way out of what they call the 'misery of life', should definitely be helped to accomplish their act. They are simply a burden on this earth.. not worthy of enjoying the most beautiful thing they ever can - life itself. I understand that problems in life at times get overwhelming, and you feel the earth slipping from under your feet. But when will we realize that what we call 'comfortable life' is nothing but monotony and routine paraded in designer clothes? And that it is the ups and downs that give life a texture. Anyway, I don't intend to stray away from our core topic with pseudo-philosophy. The following are things I suggest every potential suicider should keep in mind, before they set out for the final act.

- Reason: You better have a reasonable motive for committing suicide; than the neighbour's dog biting off your middle finger. There is something called late realization, which can make you think that an index finger is as good as the middle finger for almost all practical purposes. Whether it be scratching your back or picking your nose or the glorious act of pointing at someone's face with the other ones folded, in the ultimate act of macho-ism. Don't let a dumb reason kill your enthusiasm at the last mile!

- Alcohol: If you are planning to get drunk to ease the process of transition between the planes of existence, then avoid Rum. Rum has been proven time and again, as something that can germinate a strange feeling in people's mind called 'love of life'. It has also been accused of being so tasty, that you end up drinking too much to even stand up, forget getting on a chair or lifting a bottle. If your plan is to choke yourself in your own vomit, then this trick might work.. just might. The odds are something like one to 13 million... its always good to be aware your chances!

- Suicide Note: People get so carried away writing suicide notes in an attempt to steal another 15 seconds of fame, that some of them have actually dropped the idea and have become writers. If you don't want to continue the 'misery', better make it sweet and short. You write something like "with the setting sun, sets my life" and we get the point. Especially if you are generally a humorous person, you will inevitably end up writing something funny in the letter, laugh at it, and then forget the real purpose of the evening. The lady I met had written this in the 14th page (A4 size) of her suicide novel - "cremate me and put my ashes in a compost pit. I always liked organic farming". Nobody is going to write a book or make a movie about your stupid suicide note unless you are Angelina Jolie; so relax and get on with it.

- Get real: I know it might sound strange if I suggest that you should meditate a while before you do the thing. But it can help a lot in shutting out unnecessary thoughts that might hamper your goal. Take the case of our lady who was worried whether the wooden stool will damage the pearl-white floor tiles, as she kicks it away doing acrobatics on that piece of rope! She didn't know that the sphincter muscles generally give up as you dangle up there, decorating the floor in shades of yellow and red. I understand that her concern is genuine.. but ultimately it made her think, and she woke up alive another day to tell the story.

- Research: It might actually help if you know how to make a noose or at least have internet at home to search for it at the last minute. Imagine the embarrassment if you have to abort the mission just because you did not know how to tie a knot on a rope. I understand there are a million types of knots you can use for this purpose, some of them so complicated and intricate that you need almost a week to make one. But I feel the effort is worth it.. imagine people looking at the knot and appreciating your creativity while you do your twists and turns in the breeze.

That's it? Of course not.. but these are all the inputs I could gather from one person. I am looking forward to updating this list with more information in due course of time.